But every single time I've come back I've had something to write about, this time I can't even figure out what's bothering me.
I mean, everything should be fine right now. I'm back in wrestling school, I've dropped weight and fat, while replacing it with muscle. I'm about to go to Orlando with my buddy Trevor Read, my trainer and, a bag full of gear while attending a wrestling show. Trevor is getting booked up there and I've been told to never attend a wrestling show without your gear. I'm hoping they have an available spot and I can work a match, even if it's a squash. That and I have a super amazing girlfriend who unlike every other girl I've liked/dated has stuck around for a year and a half!
So what the fuck is wrong?
The things that I believe are bothering me :
- I'm not in college
- I'm unemployed
- While I'm good at wrestling, my conditioning at school blows. (But I can do a 30 minute match without blowing up)
- My knee still bothers me
- I still have more weight to lose/muscle to gain
And while all those simple little things wouldn't bother me, I feel as if the mixture of each and every single thing is slowly tearing at me. Especially the fact that almost all of my friends either got a job or went to college. Hell, most of them actually did both. Yet I've sat here all summer doing absolutely nothing noteworthy.
But here's where it all gets silly and stupid. Looking back at everything I wrote on livejournal, it makes me realize that while I've matured since I was a junior, nothing has really changed. But in the end I'm still just hanging out not doing much while passing with the minimum required of me. I mean, I've said twice in two years that this is the time I take my future seriously, that I'm going to work toward doing what I love yet here I am in the same exact place. It's a little easier considering the fact that I'm out of high school, but shit. I miss high school, I miss the kids that I hated, the friends I got so used to seeing and, having something required of me.
And here's the worst thing of them all. All of my life I've wanted to make so and so (usually a chick) happy and whatnot. I can't remember a time where I didn't have a female best friend and wasn't whipped in some shape or form. Now this fine and dandy, considering I've been with Christina for a year and a half, that she's my best friend and, that our relationship has never stopped being perfect.
But even though it's been two years, looking back at my past journals, there is one thing that I can't change no matter how hard I try.
I'm still stuck on Amanda. Not relationship wise anymore, it's far from that. But for some reason even though she hates the fuck out of me and Nathalie probably programmed her mind to forget that I existed, I can't forget about her. And while I have this amazing relationship with Christina, the fact that I haven't dropped Amanda from existence has caused more fights than anything else.
And that's bothering the hell out of me as well. I feel like I have nobody to talk to about this, I try to talk to Christina and, it blows up in my face. We were both so close to her yet she's cool with pretending like she's dead, even though they have class together every day. Yet I don't see her at all anymore and for some reason I still miss her. I miss the friendship, the jokes, the mannerisms, having someone to talk to, someone who I wouldn't fight with over silly shit and, someone who'd have no problem shit talking me to oblivion. Because quite frankly, I've yet to find someone who's kicked my ass in comebacks as badly as she did.
I don't even know who goes on here anymore, but having a girlfriend who is also your best friend is the greatest thing in the world. But with that comes a limitation on what you can talk about. I also have nobody to plan cute stuff to do and quite frankly, I need to plan my cute stuff. I've tried finding another friend, but the thought of putting the effort I put into being close to Amanda is just frightening and feels worthless. I'm close to other people, but the fact that it's other people is what bothers me. I can't tell my closer friends the shit I told Amanda, I can't joke with them and, talk to them like I did with her.
And as I've begun to grow up I start picking up on the things I did wrong in my friendship with her. The things I said and I did that began to tear away at everything her and I built up. Stupid shit, things I didn't need to do. I don't even fucking remember why I tried killing myself yet for some reason I can't forget the consequences. Not only am I stuck remembering the people I cared about crying, my dad picking me up early because he couldn't focus on work, my mom crying every day, my brother hugging me while sobbing, Nick coming to school in tears, Christina being stuck to experience the whole thing first hand (which included more crying) and then Amanda hitting me with the line that broke my fucking heart.
"I can't imagine waking up and knowing you're gone."
Like fuck off man, why on earth pull that kinda shit if you're gonna bail a few days later. I just don't get it. I've never gotten that close to someone that fast in my entire life. And I've always been stuck believing that "everything happens for a reason" stuff, but somethings just don't even seem to want to work with that idea. Why give me a friend, who I pour my heart and soul to and, have it torn away because I lost my grasp on life for a second. But then when I look at it in a different light I see a chain of people who brought me to Christina and paved the way to my relationship with her.
Because if I never got hooked on Becky, I would've never met Nathalie Roman. If I never met Nathalie Roman, we would've never got close and I would've never hauled ass away from her when I learned she had feelings for me. Which means I would've never talked to Nathalie the summer before 11th grade, would've never become her best friend and, I would've never met Amanda. Meeting Amanda and falling for Amanda got me to meet Christina and the fact that I was so into Amanda is what brought Christina and I together as best friends. (She liked Jeff.) And if Amanda never stopped being my friend Christina and I would've never started dating.
So in that sense I'm thankful.
BUT. I don't fucking want to look at it that way. I really don't. I don't want to look at Amanda as someone who I just had to meet to be with Christina. Because honestly if I was supposed to be with Christina it would've happened either way. Through drama club or through something else, it would've happened. Life isn't perfect but looking at everything I've done for people and the millions of dollars I've given to every homeless fuck with a good story I think I'm supposed to have enough good karma collected to magically get my stupid fucking friend back. I mean, I don't even do nice stuff to have nice stuff in return, but it'd be nice to just have something to show for all the effort I've put into being a good person. I don't really ask for much either, I just want my goddamn friend back. I'm willing to work through the awkwardness of starting to talk again, put the time and effort to patch things up.
And knowing that I feel pathetic every single day of my life, because as a high school graduate I am chasing over a friendship I had with a freshman (even though she's a Junior now.) I mean, I got shit when I went through my freshman frenzy. I fell for like 4 freshman in a year and a half and dated two. Sure I got my shit for it from friends, but fuck man, I hated 99 percent of my graduating class. I figured why not find the good kids before high school fucked them up beyond recognition. But that's besides the point. I feel so lowly and disgusted because instead of worrying about going to college I worry about being friends with a junior. I mean, I had my chances last year to try and talk to her and I blew them. At this point there is absolutely no way I can ever become friends with her again because now we're not forced to be in the same place at the same time. How fucking creepo would it be if I showed up somewhere to try and talk to her. I can't do that shit, I can't degrade myself any farther.
But at the same time I'm just taking it fucking easy and taking it easy is the most popular way to fail. I've said it forever and to be honest it's the truth. But what am I supposed to do? Take a risk in looking like a creepo old man in the name of friendship? Fuck.
I honestly wish I never met her at this point because right now it feels worse than it did with Becky. Sure I wanted to date Becky, but I was content as a motherfucker with being her friend. Sure, I screwed that up and now I see what I did. But I was just a kid, I didn't know any better and were I to go back and relive the time I knew Amanda, there are a million things I would do different. I'd let her make her mistakes as opposed to trying to be her guardian. I wouldn't get mad when she bailed on me to hang out with another kid. I wouldn't be suicidal because honestly, that's the stupidest thing in the world. Suicide fixes nothing and as I've come to learn it only makes things worse. You lose friends, you hurt friends and, nothing good happens in the process.
It just pains me to know that the last time I spoke to Amanda in person she was in tears and in my fucking arms.
I feel terrible for making her cry all of those times. I feel terrible for everything I did to hurt her emotionally when I promised her I'd do everything to keep her safe. I just hate looking back because as much as I hate idiots, I was a fucking hypocrite. I still am a hypocrite I guess.
I also regret bothering her for the year that I did. Sending her stupid texts, trying to piss her off to get back at her for hurting me. How fucking childish. I am ashamed of what I did. I'm ashamed that I sent Christina to go talk to her instead of being a man and going myself. I was too emotionally wrecked to even get the balls to talk to her. It's fucking weird how she went from being my best friend, one of my most favorite people on this planet, to someone who makes time freeze every time I see her because of how she looks at me like I'm dead. Well, looked, considering I don't go to school anymore.
Nothing is worse than being looked through and that's what she did. She looked right fucking through me, like I wasn't there.
I don't know anymore. I've probably rambled on for somewhere near 2000 words now. And I'm starting to get too tired to transcribe my mind through my keyboard. I just feel like I'm at this point in my life where I should be striving for more, where I should be so eager to get my real life started that nothing else should matter. And I feel like I'm not doing that. Sure I go to the gym daily, sure I study my wrestling, sure I do everything to put myself in the right direction. But when everyone goes to bed and I'm all alone it's like none of that matters. I'm right back to being the same sad and pathetic fuck that I've been for as long as I can remember.
At least back in the day I knew some people still went on LJ, so while nobody commented, I knew that at least one person read these things. It's a shame that I have to write on a website I forgot existed because I have nobody else to turn to. I'm tired of every having to run to this place every time I've held it in for too long. But I just don't know how much longer I can keep everything pent up. I've gotten a chance to let some out tonight, but tomorrow morning I'm still going to wake up sad and I'm still going to go through my day feeling bad every time I remember I'm upset.
I actually don't really want most people to read this. Last I remember only Saki, Jp, Antonio and, Sarah frequented this place, so I
don't really care if they see this. They've honestly been around every single time I've been upset. Which reminds me, I miss Antonio and Sarah considering the fact I haven't spoken to them since school let out. But that's another story for another time.
I feel like I have so much more I want to say but I can't even think of what it is. I just don't want to start rambling and repeating myself, because that's a little silly. But then again, I haven't talked to Amanda since February 13th 2009 so I'm kinda just repeating old stuff right? Funny to know that it was 2009 but I considered it 2 years because it was Junior and Senior year. I mean, I've known Amanda since October 2008, so it's been two years I guess. Meh, I'm just writing stupid shit now.
And the saddest part of it all. Look how happy I was.